I can't believe we made it this far together! Fifty years seems to have flown by. What? Not for you? Well, I guess you're the one who's had to do all the heavy lifting along the way.
The first thing I want to say is 'thank you.' Despite all the things I've put you through over the decades, you've managed to get here in relatively good shape. Nothing is missing, nothing has been added or replaced and nothing has been taken out (not even tonsils,) Your knees and hips are fully functional, there are no issues with getting around, and, despite being pathetically useless without contact lenses, glasses and Lasik surgery, your eyes work just fine too.
Now, I know I have to apologize to your skin for all the years of sunbathing with Hawaiian Tropic Factor Zero and baby oil, but I don't do that any more, now that I live in a place that actually sees the sun for more than two weeks in a year. I should also mention all the strong tea, black coffee and copious amounts of alcohol that have probably done all sorts of weird things to your insides, but thankfully haven't resulted in irretrievable damage. Those things, alas, will probably continue in the forseeable future, along with the decadent enjoyment of a variety of foodstuffs. But hey, look on the bright side: I gave up smoking a long time ago so your lungs are just fine.
I do have a few bones to pick (no pun intended) with you. What happened to that wonderful thing you used to have called a fast metabolism? My consumption of food hasn't actually changed, but, your processing of it has: I mean, pick it up a little alright? I'm carrying more than a few extra pounds now than I had at 35, but then again, most people are at this age, right? No, don't mention Demi Moore. She's just a freak of nature. Also, I know you mean well and I'm really happy you think I still need this, but really, can the periods stop now? I honestly don't think I'll be having another child any time soon, and it's rather wasteful. I'll do you a deal - I'll give you back the female reproductive stuff and you give me back the metabolism, OK?
I have to apologize for moving us to possibly the worst area in the world for feeling that you're not perfect. I know, I know... beach bunnies and Botox everywhere, and I do sympathize. But listen, I'm not about to put you under the knife just to satisfy some bizarre notion that you need to look younger to be happy. Let's face it, fewer wrinkles won't make us 25 again, so we may as well just accept who we are together. I'll drink lots of glasses of water, I promise.
Anyway, sorry it's taken me so long to write. I really appreciate what you do every day. Thanks again for the years of service, and yes, we're going to take the dogs for a hike now.